Happy Hours

By now, most adult Americans who consume alcohol have not only heard the phrase “It’s happy hour somewhere in the world,” they have toasted to it as well. Whether on vacation or not, people are going on drinking shifts for four to even twelve hours straight. Personally, I think it might be time to redefine what constitutes binge drinking. Maybe “bombed drinking” could be a much needed second level. Exactly how many drinks does a person consume during a typical drink shift? Particularly at bar venues where “dancing it off” is not really an option.

Just look at it this way, how many minutes does it take the average drinker to consume one alcoholic beverage? If a person has a drink every fifteen minutes for the first two hours and every twenty minutes for the next two hours, this amounts to three and one-half drinks per hour, assuming not much time is wasted between drinks. Calculating one’s own average drinks per hour and average drink shift in hours could help put things in perspective. It is time to say this together – to hell with those blood alcohol content studies and their theories on how many drinks consumed per hour based on weight make one ­intoxicated. They need to recalibrate their charts with newly minted categories.

As long as no one gets hurt, intoxicated people can be quite comical, knocking over drinks, bumping into other people, falling off chairs, tripping, and losing their phones, wallets and pocketbooks. And there is not a term more apt than “dancing fool” to describe someone who is not a dancer attempting to dance once intoxicated.

Never being one to stop having fun with terminology, here are two new definitions of DWI to sip on: Drinking While Intoxicated and Dancing While Intoxicated. If sexually available, neither DWI situation is currently illegal. However, for those who are technically not sexually available due to a “morality-based” monogamy promise, one can also think in terms of the following DWM definitions: Drinking While Monogamous and Dancing While Monogamous.

Dancing, especially the type of dancing popular today, involves a lot of touching. Aside from a massage or an actual sex act, there is nothing more sexual two people can do with each other. When sexually unavailable, it is questionable why anyone would dance with a third-party, opposite-sex person if touching is unavoidable. The possibility for a sexual connection is extremely high when people dance, especially if there is any attraction between the dance partners.

While discussing how dancing leads to romance for many of the stars on Dancing with the Stars, New York Post reporter Cathy Burke has this to say: “Footloose was right: Dancing is the devil’s work. And you can file the ABC megahit Dancing with the Stars under Satan’s Dept. of Homewrecking.” That comment reflects how many of the show’s stars were not sexually available when they hooked up with each other.

As for consuming alcohol without one’s monogamous partner, one might want to be more selective about the venue. For example, this Midtown Manhattan bar is probably not the safest place:


Call it a precursor to the 2nd annual Lingerie Ladies night. We’re getting warmed up with a happy hour Playboy-esque party! No, Hef won’t be there. But all of your favorite Finn-mates will be, dressed to boot in bunny ears, tails, heels and not much more.

Ladies don’t be shy!! If you come dressed up, you drink free all night long!! All beer, wine, mixed drinks & specialty shots!!

Other Drink Specials:

Ladies: 1/2 price drinks and house shots.

Guys: Open bar 8:00-10:00 for $20!!
All beer, wine & mixed drinks.

Also … $4 domestic beers & $8 jager & car bombs!!

What a dangerously awesome combination! Scantily clad females hanging out drinking cheap alcohol while fully covered males get wasted making the most out of their two-hour open bar. The impact this type of alcohol consumption has on the male’s sex act pursuer role and the female’s genitalia gatekeeper role is simply fascinating. Combine the shot and drink specials with the early start drink shift and the following is not an unreasonable summary of what can transpire as the evening progresses:

Male alcohol perspective of a female: “She was a two at 10 PM but a ten at 2 AM”

Female alcohol perspective of a male: One to two drinks – “he’s funny”; three to four drinks – “he’s funny and cute”; five to six drinks – “time to dance and even touch if he knows how to move”; after six drinks – “I might give him sex tonight…”

Personally, I tend to be a four or five drink guy, one that a female at that same drink level finds cute and funny enough to give the “time of day,” that is, a conversation. Luckily for me, there is plenty of Jagermeister to fuel the female’s interest. At the end of the Bar XYZ ad, please take notice of the Jager special they were offering. By the way, that is not a typo. Eight-­dollar shots are a bargain in Manhattan, where bars, nightclubs and lounges can easily command double digits for one’s right to see double quicker. For any not familiar with Jagermeister, a formal introduction is called for.

Jay Cheshes, a writer for the New York Daily News, has this to say: “For the past 20 years, Jagermeister, the bitter herbal German spirit developed in the 1930s as a digestive aid, has been the go-to shot for nights you’d never want to remember. As Jager sales soared, bitter liquor became synonymous with binge-­drinking.” I say, mix Jager in with bottle service, and who knows how the night might go from there.

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